maybe you didn't know that my mom was in the hospital the 9 days before my wedding. that she got out the day before. that i spent the week pacing my childhood hallways wondering what a wedding would be like without her. if i could take my honeymoon not knowing. the not knowing.
everything was beautiful, everything went smoothly, everyone had a good time, everywhere i looked i felt love, but my wedding day was not the day of girlhood dreams. me running around trying to do all those things, trying to care about flower arrangements and cake fuckin plates and how can you care when your mother might be... and a tropical storm came and people asked stupid questions like what should they do if it rains and my mother was too tired to help me with my hair and my sister over slept and i got ready and i felt alone and the stress of it all ohmygod the stress. i couldn't see straight. i didn't even notice tropical storm hannah pouring so much rain there had to be trenches and i didn't even notice josh's family throwing their disapproval every which way i didn't even notice the food trays or the beers that no one took out of the cases when they put them on the ice. i didn't notice anything but that she was there. because she was there.
people ask me now about my wedding. did i have fun? did i know then?
and it was an amazing week. nearly every single person i loved in once place at one time. all those hands lifting me up. after my illness and then my mothers. mygod i needed that. who doesn't? i needed that. it was amazing.
and i don't know what i knew then. only that i was so scared of the dying. only that i was so scared of losing more. only that i was so tired of hospital beds and visiting hours and the things that surrounded my life then. there was too much fog to see with any clarity. with blurry edges and dim dim light all i knew was that i got through the day unhitched, my mother was safe, and that i could finally take the time to start really living again.
No comments:
Post a Comment