what are you supposed to do the night before you get divorced? eat a big dinner? go dancing? throw things? forget things? or are you supposed to remember?
how about watch your wedding video. the one you never actually saw. or stay up all night drinking that wine you bought on your honeymoon but never actually opened. if your sister was around maybe you would do that.
do you go to a bar alone? tell a stranger all your secrets? find a bartender to sing your sorrows to? do you take a bath and eat curry? do you watch grey's anatomy and cry at someone else's story? do you listen to tori amos and that old hole album you still love?
do you change the date. do you take it back. do you sit alone or do you find your friends. could you fuck up even this or is whatever you do okay.
is it ever okay.
will you ever forgive yourself your trespasses.
will you ever stop feeling like an ass hole because you fucked up in front of everyone.
do you make a list of all the things you hate about yourself?
how about the things you hate about him?
or the things you hate about that car that cut you off when you were commuting in the rain?
do you have to try? do you ever stop crying? do you want to talk to anyone?
does it even matter.
does any of it even matter.
was any of it even real. do you know anything. can you say it better. could it be that this is all it ever is.
cause shit its lonely the night before your divorce. and shit is rough when you can only think of one place you'd like to be and it's the one place you can't be and there is no one that you want to talk to but you don't want to be alone but you don't want to see anybody but you can't stand the sight of yourself and where are you when i need you and how could you think i don't need you today and fuck you and fuck this and fuck the things you haven't even had the time to say.
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