stupid shit

take those photos down. turn back the clock.
no i do not want to be a member of the Ivan Memorial Group.
i want to be a part of his life.

and why you gotta do me like that.

and all the lies.

and all the times.

and this has been the longest week.

do you remember last week? remember how torn up i was about a
divorce. remember how that
seemed like the darkest, deepest thing.

it seems laughable to me now. like i could give a shit what my work thinks.
like i give a shit what his family says if i see them on some cape cod street.
like any of it matters. yeah it is hard. yeah it was sad. but it was a choice.
it was a sad day to get to a better future.

this other stuff. this other story. its harder to find the happy ending in here.
it's harder to find the reason why.

and i feel so alone. because ivan was my thing. because ivan had loved me all along. so long. because ivan knew the worst me and he loved me anyway and he called me anyway and he needed me anyway. and i can't get those years back with someone else. and i don't know if anyone will ever know me that way. love me that strong. give me such peace.

and i need someone to believe in. someone who tells me the truth. i need someone to tell me the truth. something else. something real. someone who does the things they say. who is the person they claim to be. who tells the things they promised they would say.

sometimes i can't keep myself from crying.
sometimes i feel so numb i don't feel anything at all.
sometimes i am not sure any of this is even real. i am not even sure if i am.

and i don't want to go away. i don't want to fall into that hole. i don't want to lose my voice again. i don't want to lose myself again. i don't want to walk off that cliff. the one over there. that place where i once shimmied my nights away. that one that won't stop calling my name.