melancholy

so i know about melancholy. have passed entire winters watching the days darken and wishing i had somewhere i wanted to go. i remember that rainy june. weeks with no light and it was like summer never came here. all this waiting. all this searching. all this wondering/wandering i did for you.

i don't know why the change of heart. i mean, bad shit is all around. but something about the new year coming. something about getting through. all those years, all that therapy and acupuncture and meditation shit. it really did something. and now, and with resolve, i have this hope that sneaks in even on the coldest days. even when i am listening to the smiths and imagining myself on a floor littered with beer cans and poetry slams. it doesn't happen.

i am no longer there.

so instead i picture my future. scan classes i might want to take (knitting, crotchet, baking, writing, yoga, spanish). travels i might take. imagine the possibility of returning that that city i loved to hate to live in. picture two more l.a. summers. making peace with the girl that used to live inside those streets.

and it's like anything is possible again. and it's like i can do any thing again. and it's the most amazing thing. him.