melancholy

so i know about melancholy. have passed entire winters watching the days darken and wishing i had somewhere i wanted to go. i remember that rainy june. weeks with no light and it was like summer never came here. all this waiting. all this searching. all this wondering/wandering i did for you.

i don't know why the change of heart. i mean, bad shit is all around. but something about the new year coming. something about getting through. all those years, all that therapy and acupuncture and meditation shit. it really did something. and now, and with resolve, i have this hope that sneaks in even on the coldest days. even when i am listening to the smiths and imagining myself on a floor littered with beer cans and poetry slams. it doesn't happen.

i am no longer there.

so instead i picture my future. scan classes i might want to take (knitting, crotchet, baking, writing, yoga, spanish). travels i might take. imagine the possibility of returning that that city i loved to hate to live in. picture two more l.a. summers. making peace with the girl that used to live inside those streets.

and it's like anything is possible again. and it's like i can do any thing again. and it's the most amazing thing. him.

so this is christmas....

maybe you don't know about me and christmas. i don't even know why i love this time of year so. especially now. after all these years. after all those mornings sitting with a family that hated me. it was a relief to not have to take that drive. to not have to fake those smiles. to not have to bite my tongue in two.

and the times were nice. like before. sisters holding stockings. caroling. reading the old christmas stories, eating the old christmas foods, singing those old revels songs. pavarroti.

the old familiar. and i missed ivan and those christmas eve's we used to spend on helmsman road. and i missed sharing table top banter with the one i love most (as he bantered at home), though i saw him christmas day.

it's all different now. warm light, arms that hold me just right, and a star in the sky named after me.

family plan

so right now i have the family plan on my phone covering me, my boyfriend, and my ex husband. i share custody of our chihuahua. my ex husband feels like a cousin. and i don't think he will ever go away. it's weird how okay it is. it's weird how good it is to still know him. to have that sad space gone.

christmas is coming.

it's so fucked this year. i was traveling. ivan died. my heart stopped a million times these past two weeks. i pulled my back out kicking the ground so hard when i rode my bike. just trying to get it out of me. just trying to be okay. it's hard to know what that even means.

because mostly i know i am.

and this is just one of those things i have to go through.

and saying good bye is hard. and the light can hurt your eyes.

but all i've got is time. and this dream. and this belief that i can be happy.

rock

i am trying to be your rock.
i am trying to not go away.
i am trying to believe in the impossible things.
i am trying to mean it when i listen to that depeche mode song.

but i am not sure if i do.
i am not sure if i can take it.
i am not sure i know how to not break when my heart is broken.
i am not sure i know how to not run when the walls are crashing down.

and the walls are crashing down.
and you took something from me when you said those words.
and i believed and i believed but i don't know how to now.

after that.

after this.

and my heart has been broken before.
i have lived through deaths and i have lost everything.
i have passed a winter alone in the back of a house broken right in two while around me life went on. years passed. my body failed. and i was scared. fuck.
i was scared.

but i did it and i will do it again.

and maybe i don't need you.
and maybe i don't want you.
but maybe it was just nice to think that for once, and this time.
it was going to be that way.
and i would have you.

want it

i don't even know if i want it anymore.

all i know is that i am tired. and there never seems to be enough time.
and i try not to but i feel it all. all the time.

i hate it when you say those things. i hate it when you close that door.

when i close my eyes i see ivan smiling at me and it's like he is right here
and he's telling me its all okay.

but here's the thing. he's not here.

and it's not okay.

and maybe he has found peace there. but what about me, here. where is my peace?

or maybe i am not even trying. maybe i don't even care. maybe i don't want anything i had before. maybe my toes are cold and the sky is dark and i can't find the light no matter what i pray/say/take. and maybe i don't believe in anyone. in anything. maybe everything i say is just my pretend way. maybe i wish i could fly away.

maybe you broke my heart.
maybe you broke my spine.
maybe you took everything i wanted.
away.

friends and lovers

make amends with your past.
say your good byes now.
eat a cookie for breakfast. eat two.
make snow angels.
wear warm socks.
let him love you even when your feet
can't touch the ground.

ivan.

i do not have christmas cheer.
i do not believe you. any of you.
i do not sleep well.
i do not like the way it feels when my stomach is full.
or empty.
or when i wake up and it is still early.

i do not have anyone to replace you.
i do not have anyone to love like i loved you.
i do not want anyone else.
i only want you.

Lied

I wrote on Facebook that I was coming back into the light.

But I lied.

Really I feel gross and sad and paranoid and angry and so restless I don't know how be in this state that I am in.

Light

last night a drunk dial woke me in the middle of the night and i found myself crying before i even knew what was happening. i spent the better part of the early morning laying in bed wondering if this is how its gonna be again. how do you get it back? that safety, that peace, i worked so long and hard for. sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning feels like the hardest thing in the world to do. i feel bad. like physically bad. my stomach hurts. i can't sit still. it's like i can't think of one place, one person, one thing that could make me feel okay. so instead my own skin feels like it is suffocating me. my heart races. i lose my voice. my sweater feels like it is strangling me.

so breath deep. send your calm to me. remind me again how it is that i can be.

how time will tell.

how things get better when you just remember to hold on and let go.

or why don't you come here now.
and hold me.

Memorial

So here we are again. We lost another friend. Chip, Melinda, and now Ivan. It breaks my heart. The Zimmerman's feel like a part of my own family. Our moms are best friends, Ivan was my first love, Esther, Sam, all of you....
It's hard sometimes to remember that when we met we were all just kids. Those years of the Soul Brothas, the Sisters, The Get along Gang when Chip and Melinda were both alive and dating and Kira had dreads. Nights passed in the shed and Matty T's basement. Those were some of the most carefree days of my life. When I started thinking about what I could say about Ivan here today, what memories I could share, it was overwhelming. Where to start? After so many years Ivan feels like a part of me. I could talk about how Ivan used to save the purple skittles for me, how he called me chief, about the time my dad had him and Matt move a gigantic log across our driveway the day after prom and we had all been up all night. There was my sweet 16 birthday at the cabin where the girls all drank Zima out of sprite cans and the boys played with the fire. Going to Friendly's for loaded fried and a bottomless pot of coffee and we would smoke cigarettes and talk til the waitress kicked us out. Or when Ivan got a new pager and wouldn't give me the number until I PROMISED to stop paging him 9-1-1- all the time.
Ivan had the best laugh.
Ivan told the best stories.
Ivan had the bluest eyes.
I am sure everyone here remembers the way Ivan told his stories. The way his smile and his laugh would get inside you. The way it felt to be by his side.
Ivan was the kind of friend that could see into people. He had the ability to offer comfort and love to the people in life that in the end he was not able to give to himself. Ivan was there for me through every major milestone in my life reminding me of who I was and where I came from. I am who I am today because of what Ivan gave me all those years.
When Ivan and I reconnected recently I couldn't believe how little had changed between us. He was still the same old Ivan joking about the Lisa Loeb I used to sing at him and the nights I stumbled across the hall without my glasses on knocking into things. But he also had a weariness and a wisdom like he had lived a lot in the 2 years since we had spoken. And I believed that we would always have each other to get through the hard times. I hope Ivan knew how much better my life was with him in it. I hope he knew how deeply I loved him. I feel so alone now that is he gone but I hope that he has found the peace that had been so elusive for him in his lifetime. It breaks my heart to say good bye to another friend, to say good bye to Ivan, and I will forever love and miss him.

hardest

mornings are the hardest for me.
i sleep badly to begin with. sometimes i wake up screaming/moaning/crying.
i dream things like i am running in a room because ivan is trying to kill himself.
i wake up and i know that i was too late. all the running in that world can't take
the gun out of his hand that night. and i am sad all over again.
like i just got the phone call.
when e. said nothing.
and i just said "no, not ivan, not ivan" over and over again.
and i knew it was him.
because she said nothing again and again.

the ones we lost along the way.

Rest in peace Ivan, Chip and Melinda.

I miss you so much and Ivan I will always love you best.

i'll never forget where you're at

i can't breath.
i wake up angry.
and i hate the game.

stupid shit

take those photos down. turn back the clock.
no i do not want to be a member of the Ivan Memorial Group.
i want to be a part of his life.

and why you gotta do me like that.

and all the lies.

and all the times.

and this has been the longest week.

do you remember last week? remember how torn up i was about a
divorce. remember how that
seemed like the darkest, deepest thing.

it seems laughable to me now. like i could give a shit what my work thinks.
like i give a shit what his family says if i see them on some cape cod street.
like any of it matters. yeah it is hard. yeah it was sad. but it was a choice.
it was a sad day to get to a better future.

this other stuff. this other story. its harder to find the happy ending in here.
it's harder to find the reason why.

and i feel so alone. because ivan was my thing. because ivan had loved me all along. so long. because ivan knew the worst me and he loved me anyway and he called me anyway and he needed me anyway. and i can't get those years back with someone else. and i don't know if anyone will ever know me that way. love me that strong. give me such peace.

and i need someone to believe in. someone who tells me the truth. i need someone to tell me the truth. something else. something real. someone who does the things they say. who is the person they claim to be. who tells the things they promised they would say.

sometimes i can't keep myself from crying.
sometimes i feel so numb i don't feel anything at all.
sometimes i am not sure any of this is even real. i am not even sure if i am.

and i don't want to go away. i don't want to fall into that hole. i don't want to lose my voice again. i don't want to lose myself again. i don't want to walk off that cliff. the one over there. that place where i once shimmied my nights away. that one that won't stop calling my name.

face

i hate it when you spit in my face like that.

dreams

i can't really sleep these days. don't really want to eat. my stomach hurts when i do. i wake up in the night shaking. crying. this feeling that makes me feel like i could go crazy. like i am trapped in a cage and i can't see between the bars. like i am being suffocated by a plastic bag and then i remember why i feel that way and i remember he is gone and it feels like catching a medicine ball with your stomach every fuckin time again and again and it takes my breath away in the most unromantic way.

i had a dream last night that i was hugging sam and we were crying. and then all of the sudden ivan had his arms around us both and he was spinning us around in circles and smiling this big smile and i could see his eyes and he leaned forward and he kissed me and his arms felt so warm and i swear to god it was like he was right there with me. the dog stirred. something happened. i woke up shaking and he was dead again and there is nothing left to break anymore.

sometimes i feel like smashing every face and place and thing i have ever seen and been. sometimes i just want to lay on the floor.

sometimes i look forward and i don't see anything in front of me. sometimes i feel like i don't care what happens next or who is there or how far i fall. i just don't care. and i don't want to get drunk or to run away. i don't want to forget him. i don't want to do anything. i just need to be sad right now.

because.
i am sad right now.
and i can't pretend that away.

ivan called me chief and he always saved the purple skittles for me.

what i wouldn't give to get you back

more

i could have done more.
called back quicker. listened harder.
i could have known. i should have. damn it i was
the one. i was the person talking to him. i was the
one getting the text messages at night. that time he had
his friends leave early so i could talk but i was too tired
and it was so late. and i said tomorrow tomorrow and i thought
we had a tomorrow. and i left for three weeks and maybe that
was the time. that was when he decided. and so this is what
he meant when he said he was glad i was safe. and this is what he
meant when he said he would always love me. he said he would give
anything to go back to those times. easy days. a home.
and he gave that away. and he took that away. and he left anyway.
and why the fuck.
and its not fair.
and i am so mad.
and i want my old cell phone back. and i want those text messages. and i
want the pictures of his dog in the wig.
and mygod.
and why him.
and take it back.
and was he scared. and did he hurt. and was it worth it. and did he mean
it. and was he scared. and all that hurt. and why couldn't i do it better.
and why couldn't i take it away.
and you can't save anyone but yourself.
but shits not supposed to go down like that. and fuck it hurts when shit goes
down like that. and i loved him.
and he loved me.
and he left anyway.
and so far.
and what i wouldn't give for one last hug. for one last moment. for one last chance
to show him the love that is out here, and everywhere, and for him.

ivan

did i ever tell you about my first love? ivan? did i ever tell you about our love affair. about the years i spent fighting, loving, leaving him? how he broke my heart and said i broke his. how he punched holes in the walls when i walked out the door. the morning i woke up on e's floor to find a love letter from him duct taped to my shirt. ivan was a sweet, funny, kind, beautiful person. i spent two years devoted mostly to him. right through college we would pass winter break drinking in a friends basement, sneaking into corners, remembering that time. when chip died i slept in ivan's bed for three straight nights. we listened to bob marley, we poured through photo albums, we pressed our bodies together. we didn't speak. we didn't cry.years passed. we stayed in touch. late night text messages, a story about a night gone. letters from rehab. phone calls full of help-me's and lonelies when i called off my wedding or the months i spent recovering from my accident in the back of my parents house. the last time i saw ivan he was far away and i was rebuilding myself again. i bought him dinners on main street. i let him lay his head on my lap and sleep while i watched tv. i hardly recognized him. he was so fragile. i did my best. i tried to save him. i still follow his ghost through our past. and mostly i just miss our times. sometimes all my love isn't even enough. sometimes giving everything i have still can't fill someone. sometimes there is nothing i can do.

doesn't that just break your heart?


ivan told the best stories.
ivan had the best laugh.
ivan had the bluest eyes.

i had no idea when i sent him that text yesterday that he didn't write back because he was dead. i had no idea that the last thing we would ever talk about was thanksgiving shit like any of that matters.

come back home

let the sun dance on your shoulders.
listen to the silence. hear the pulse of before. hear the nothing.
sleep late. twist. and. shout.
eat nutty bars. doritos. pringles. all the kinds. lick your fingers.
don't floss.
you never do anyway.
wear shoes without laces.
call your underwear panties and don't laugh when you do.
hold his hand.
play with his thumb.
change the words and shout them loud.
gouge away.
fuck this day.
make it like it was that other time.
that other life.
that other monday when a best friend and an inside joke would make it all go away.

and we'll all float on okay.

what are you supposed to do the night before you get divorced? eat a big dinner? go dancing? throw things? forget things? or are you supposed to remember?

how about watch your wedding video. the one you never actually saw. or stay up all night drinking that wine you bought on your honeymoon but never actually opened. if your sister was around maybe you would do that.

do you go to a bar alone? tell a stranger all your secrets? find a bartender to sing your sorrows to? do you take a bath and eat curry? do you watch grey's anatomy and cry at someone else's story? do you listen to tori amos and that old hole album you still love?

do you change the date. do you take it back. do you sit alone or do you find your friends. could you fuck up even this or is whatever you do okay.

is it ever okay.

will you ever forgive yourself your trespasses.

will you ever stop feeling like an ass hole because you fucked up in front of everyone.

do you make a list of all the things you hate about yourself?

how about the things you hate about him?

or the things you hate about that car that cut you off when you were commuting in the rain?

do you have to try? do you ever stop crying? do you want to talk to anyone?

does it even matter.

does any of it even matter.

was any of it even real. do you know anything. can you say it better. could it be that this is all it ever is.

cause shit its lonely the night before your divorce. and shit is rough when you can only think of one place you'd like to be and it's the one place you can't be and there is no one that you want to talk to but you don't want to be alone but you don't want to see anybody but you can't stand the sight of yourself and where are you when i need you and how could you think i don't need you today and fuck you and fuck this and fuck the things you haven't even had the time to say.

In one more day

the fog will lift. it will be over. nothing left to wait on pins and needles for.
and today is the warmest, sun-shiniest day. and john in my office made the best coffee this morning. and i see my cardiologist at 11. he'll tell me that my heart is not broken, only a little quick. and i knew that already didn't i?

Crown of Love

Friday is D Day.

As in Divorce Day. As in finito. As in forever. As in no-more. So it means that I am taking things back. Things like my name. The promise of "til death do us part".

Nothing's changing. Nothing will be different. But the floors are caving in. And it feels like being punched in the stomach over and over with something like a hot iron or the lead pipe in Clue.

And Saturday won't be any different than last Tuesday.

But today, tomorrow. I am watching the city pulse and time is standing still.

And yesterday there was nothing I wanted more than to run-a-way. Anything to make-it-go-away. Fingers felt like claws and I couldn't breath in that box you put me in. And I didn't believe in one thing that one person had ever said to me. And I cursed that day in the ICU when I promised to keep on with the breathing. And I cursed the things that were inside me. And I searched and I prayed and I paced for a place to go. Something to erase me. And he was there and he didn't let me run too far. And I couldn't think of one place to go.

So I laid in his arms.

So I took a day.

We drove to the Cape. We ate pizza and sat at the beach and we talked things through. Things that Josh and I could never do. I saw his childhood room and tried to find myself in the Weezer posters and the Bruins faces, in the spider webs and the childhood pictures of a boy I never knew.

I took the long way home. Listened to a Valentine's CD I made years ago. I drove by the church, the house Josh and I rented with our friends, his parents house. And I never have to take it or keep my chin up or bite my tongue when I don't want to again. I never have to be there again. MyGod. The weight. The sadness. The freedom of driving down that familiar road and knowing I am leaving the things I need to leave but I am not running away. I know how to get home. I know now what that means. How that feels. Where he lies.

I got to Arlington late. The house felt empty. His luggage and clothes strewn around the spare room. And I went to sleep. Moonlight and a cup of tea.

what i know

there are some things that you can't fuck or drink or fake away.