more

i could have done more.
called back quicker. listened harder.
i could have known. i should have. damn it i was
the one. i was the person talking to him. i was the
one getting the text messages at night. that time he had
his friends leave early so i could talk but i was too tired
and it was so late. and i said tomorrow tomorrow and i thought
we had a tomorrow. and i left for three weeks and maybe that
was the time. that was when he decided. and so this is what
he meant when he said he was glad i was safe. and this is what he
meant when he said he would always love me. he said he would give
anything to go back to those times. easy days. a home.
and he gave that away. and he took that away. and he left anyway.
and why the fuck.
and its not fair.
and i am so mad.
and i want my old cell phone back. and i want those text messages. and i
want the pictures of his dog in the wig.
and mygod.
and why him.
and take it back.
and was he scared. and did he hurt. and was it worth it. and did he mean
it. and was he scared. and all that hurt. and why couldn't i do it better.
and why couldn't i take it away.
and you can't save anyone but yourself.
but shits not supposed to go down like that. and fuck it hurts when shit goes
down like that. and i loved him.
and he loved me.
and he left anyway.
and so far.
and what i wouldn't give for one last hug. for one last moment. for one last chance
to show him the love that is out here, and everywhere, and for him.