want it

i don't even know if i want it anymore.

all i know is that i am tired. and there never seems to be enough time.
and i try not to but i feel it all. all the time.

i hate it when you say those things. i hate it when you close that door.

when i close my eyes i see ivan smiling at me and it's like he is right here
and he's telling me its all okay.

but here's the thing. he's not here.

and it's not okay.

and maybe he has found peace there. but what about me, here. where is my peace?

or maybe i am not even trying. maybe i don't even care. maybe i don't want anything i had before. maybe my toes are cold and the sky is dark and i can't find the light no matter what i pray/say/take. and maybe i don't believe in anyone. in anything. maybe everything i say is just my pretend way. maybe i wish i could fly away.

maybe you broke my heart.
maybe you broke my spine.
maybe you took everything i wanted.
away.