dreams

i can't really sleep these days. don't really want to eat. my stomach hurts when i do. i wake up in the night shaking. crying. this feeling that makes me feel like i could go crazy. like i am trapped in a cage and i can't see between the bars. like i am being suffocated by a plastic bag and then i remember why i feel that way and i remember he is gone and it feels like catching a medicine ball with your stomach every fuckin time again and again and it takes my breath away in the most unromantic way.

i had a dream last night that i was hugging sam and we were crying. and then all of the sudden ivan had his arms around us both and he was spinning us around in circles and smiling this big smile and i could see his eyes and he leaned forward and he kissed me and his arms felt so warm and i swear to god it was like he was right there with me. the dog stirred. something happened. i woke up shaking and he was dead again and there is nothing left to break anymore.

sometimes i feel like smashing every face and place and thing i have ever seen and been. sometimes i just want to lay on the floor.

sometimes i look forward and i don't see anything in front of me. sometimes i feel like i don't care what happens next or who is there or how far i fall. i just don't care. and i don't want to get drunk or to run away. i don't want to forget him. i don't want to do anything. i just need to be sad right now.

because.
i am sad right now.
and i can't pretend that away.

ivan called me chief and he always saved the purple skittles for me.