ivan

did i ever tell you about my first love? ivan? did i ever tell you about our love affair. about the years i spent fighting, loving, leaving him? how he broke my heart and said i broke his. how he punched holes in the walls when i walked out the door. the morning i woke up on e's floor to find a love letter from him duct taped to my shirt. ivan was a sweet, funny, kind, beautiful person. i spent two years devoted mostly to him. right through college we would pass winter break drinking in a friends basement, sneaking into corners, remembering that time. when chip died i slept in ivan's bed for three straight nights. we listened to bob marley, we poured through photo albums, we pressed our bodies together. we didn't speak. we didn't cry.years passed. we stayed in touch. late night text messages, a story about a night gone. letters from rehab. phone calls full of help-me's and lonelies when i called off my wedding or the months i spent recovering from my accident in the back of my parents house. the last time i saw ivan he was far away and i was rebuilding myself again. i bought him dinners on main street. i let him lay his head on my lap and sleep while i watched tv. i hardly recognized him. he was so fragile. i did my best. i tried to save him. i still follow his ghost through our past. and mostly i just miss our times. sometimes all my love isn't even enough. sometimes giving everything i have still can't fill someone. sometimes there is nothing i can do.

doesn't that just break your heart?


ivan told the best stories.
ivan had the best laugh.
ivan had the bluest eyes.

i had no idea when i sent him that text yesterday that he didn't write back because he was dead. i had no idea that the last thing we would ever talk about was thanksgiving shit like any of that matters.