hardest

mornings are the hardest for me.
i sleep badly to begin with. sometimes i wake up screaming/moaning/crying.
i dream things like i am running in a room because ivan is trying to kill himself.
i wake up and i know that i was too late. all the running in that world can't take
the gun out of his hand that night. and i am sad all over again.
like i just got the phone call.
when e. said nothing.
and i just said "no, not ivan, not ivan" over and over again.
and i knew it was him.
because she said nothing again and again.